Lost in Impression

December 4, 2008
India

Living in another country is an opportunity for me to experience life beyond my control and limits. There is really something about being out there, and when I say being out there, it’s about taking the conscious decision to throw myself in an abyss where only GOD knows what is there for me. I become vulnerable and a likely target of and for people’s idiosyncracies and the crazy antics of the inevitable. My analogy of it is like standing on a high strung wire enveloped in a complete darkness with occasional goofballs aimed at me, challenging my balance and beckoning the strength that has never seen its light.

But the spirit never falters. It may get distracted and perturbed, but as soon as its power of knowing and believing takes over, I hold strongly to my faith and to all the beauty that is part of my life. Family. Values. Friendship. Dreams. Love. Country. Home.

Order in the middle of chaos. I like this phrase, and admittedly it is one of my overused lines in this life. But why? Because it reminds me of hope and the gift to turn noise to melodies, to distillate murky water and to see beauty in the ugly. Uncertainties will continue to challenge us. But my threshold has surpassed what I so long perceived to be its limit. I have seen the worst and the ugliest and have been to the most trying times. Been there and done what I could, regardless of whether I did the right or the wrong things. It’s the heart that has become that truly matters. My heart, shaped and strengthened.

Finding Solace

Acceptance is so overrated. Most times, we use ‘acceptance’ as a way of convincing ourselves that we are in control, that everything will be just fine. I am not saying that it is not good though. My point is, what comes along with it is a range of emotions that vary from denial, anger, frustration, hope and love. It does not come easy for most of us. But I am not saying that it will be that bad in a very long time. Acceptance is a humbling experience. And I believe that at the end of it all, it is not about how you were treated by ex-boyfriends, friends and strangers. But the amazing gift in US to love and to give in ways that we never imagined we could. We give ourselves a pat on the shoulder. Not everyone is able to give and love that much. Be thankful for the extent that we could give, to be unselfish, to be hurt, to be loved, and most importantly, to FORGIVE purselves.

Go give it a try. Give our all. There’s no guarantee, and that’s a given in this life. Again it is about how much we give. And not what we take.

August 21, 2008

10:18AM at my friend’s flat
Somewhere in Stallion Square
London

Mmm. Bliss. Lying in the most comfortable bed in the world, feeling all dreamy and smiley and happy, letting the morning sunlight play on my closed eyelids. Stretching my arms above my head, then collapsing contentedly onto an enormous mound of pillows. Oh, I feel good. I feel… sated. Last night was absolutely…

Well, let’s just say it was.

Oh, come on. You don’t need to know that. Anyway, can’t you use your imagination? Of course you can.

I do feel this is a pretty significant day in my life. God, he really knows how to make things come around. After the pain in my previous relationship, it is time to close that chapter. It took me until last night, while walking along Central Park to make the pain go away. I was hurting the whole time. And now, finally, no more thoughts of him, of us, of the whys and the what ifs. When I look back at the frivolous way I used to think – well, it makes me want to laugh, really. It’s as though the tinted glass have fallen off – and suddenly I can see what’s really important in the world and what’s not.


The nerve, Xander, I hope you read this. You make me sick. Go away.

Desperately Seeking Ego

Had lovely lunch with my colleagues… and it’s quite a boost to hear wonderful things said about me with regard to work… and although, probably I should be hailed the best advisor that my company has ever had… i have never really thought of it… I have been working like a dog…it’s not something new really…

Dad called yesterday, reminded me to take things slow… it seems that I have been working so hard, it’s as if I really needed it, he said. But see, I want to chart and secure my future… it’s not an easy way though.. I’ve traded a lot and sacrificed more in order to live comfortably…

I know my dad’s proud of me. I have never asked a single peso from him right after he put me through university in Australia… And apart from the financial freedom that I am enjoying, it’s also knowing about my self-worth… that I can do more and a lot of people can benefit from my work… see, I am into humanitarian and development work, and when I travel in other countries and see how dismal their situations are, it humbles me in greater ways than I could possibly do… seeing the blank stares of people living with HIV and AIDS, feeling the triumph of the spirit in souls that have remised a beautiful and forgiving life, only affirms my value as a person and the value of my family and friends…

It is really life-changing. And I know I cannot change the world.

Flashbacks of the Love Paraiah

I am feeling love but I am not in love. Not romantically involved at the moment. The eternal love pariah. A self-proclaimed cross among Bridget Jones (for her pleasantly roundness and innocence), Carrie Bradshaw (for her intellectual weaponry and the love for fashion) and Charlotte York (for her never-ending well of hope, that one day she’ll meet the One) of the third kind. I felt a ‘love rush’ a few minutes ago for no apparent realistic reason. I was just going through some messages left in my phone’s inbox, and I know I have written this in my previous blog article, but hey, I am going to blab about it again now! Anyway, the experience was a ‘trip down memory lane’. Flashbacks of the love experiences flooded my very consciousness, while I was in the middle of a training with the People Living with HIV and AIDS here in India. I’ve really evolved into a more elaborate human being who could do multi-tasking in varying degrees of interests, from technical perspective to the must mundane ones.

I must admit that when I get hurt, I tend to become a self-centered, late-twenties, prematurely plagued by the mid-life crisis, self-important, egoistic, insecure bitch. Oh. That hurt. Cruel. Did I just say that to myself? Am horrible, in manner of Miranda from The Devil Wears Prada-Simon Cowell with a bit dash of the Axe Murderer. It was just a mere cyclical mechanism to feel the loathing pain all the more loathing and bleeding. Most often, I would try to make little conversations with THYSELF and convince that what a poor and pathetic creature I have become, over the many failed relationships. And self-acceptance that I was also to blame for all the heartbreaks doesn’t come cheap and easy. Meaning, it would usually take a cardiovascular activity like SHOPPING, in potentially increasing impulsiveness that would shame the Guinness Book of World Records for holding the fastest man to evaporate solid heavenly inventions called credit card and cash. But it was all worth it. The feeling of security and wholeness that I derive from the monochrome brands complete with all the trimmings and wrappings, surely overwhelms the weight that I have put on my financial setbacks and scary overdrafts.

Convinced though that I’ve worked hard and that the US$3,200 Raymond Weil Watch I gifted myself this season will make me a better person. Am nuts. Ran out of reason though why I bought that expensive watch. Lovely. Been staring at my watch since breakfast, which is fashionably placed on top of my Fendi vanity bag.

Must dash. Need to call my financial advisor in the Philippines a.k.a. Dad.