Christmas in September... ^%$^&$!

Late repost from last year :-(

Merry Christmas!

It's freezing here in New York. Cruel winter, expecially for us Pinoys.

Few hours from now it'll be Christmas. There's so much fuss with the holiday season here, with the ‘ball’ dropping on New Year’s eve at Times Square, unbelievable discounts in uber frenzy shops along westwick, and of course, the most elaborate yet minimalist take on Holiday cheers in MoMa.

Am re-creating christmas my own way, by listening to christmas carols, talking to families back home and feeling the familiarity of the season by talking about it and reminiscing memories. Good thing, Kath is here with me to spend christmas. We're both traveling back to our respective country of assignments on the 26th.

I had a one day break in Calcutta last week. Walked the streets where Mother Teresa once walked on. And along the cold and harsh pavements, are the ironies and realities of life. Women and children in distress, the poor, the marginalised and the oppressed. As i pretended to enjoy the grandeur that Calcutta has, i could not help but feel the presence of Mo. Teresa. And i thought, that I cannot deny the deafening silence and the wailing of the exploited. But i end up excusing myself for my fallibility and limited capacity. Hence, i become to be one of the rest of the world. who dare not go beyond their limits, for reasons that are valid in a world where reason itself has learned to rationalise.

And this christmas season, the road where Mo. Teresa treaded is beckoning.

Indeed, winter is cruel. But much of cruelty is in the man's heart. A defining christmas it is for me.

Lost in Impression

December 4, 2008
India

Living in another country is an opportunity for me to experience life beyond my control and limits. There is really something about being out there, and when I say being out there, it’s about taking the conscious decision to throw myself in an abyss where only GOD knows what is there for me. I become vulnerable and a likely target of and for people’s idiosyncracies and the crazy antics of the inevitable. My analogy of it is like standing on a high strung wire enveloped in a complete darkness with occasional goofballs aimed at me, challenging my balance and beckoning the strength that has never seen its light.

But the spirit never falters. It may get distracted and perturbed, but as soon as its power of knowing and believing takes over, I hold strongly to my faith and to all the beauty that is part of my life. Family. Values. Friendship. Dreams. Love. Country. Home.

Order in the middle of chaos. I like this phrase, and admittedly it is one of my overused lines in this life. But why? Because it reminds me of hope and the gift to turn noise to melodies, to distillate murky water and to see beauty in the ugly. Uncertainties will continue to challenge us. But my threshold has surpassed what I so long perceived to be its limit. I have seen the worst and the ugliest and have been to the most trying times. Been there and done what I could, regardless of whether I did the right or the wrong things. It’s the heart that has become that truly matters. My heart, shaped and strengthened.

Finding Solace

Acceptance is so overrated. Most times, we use ‘acceptance’ as a way of convincing ourselves that we are in control, that everything will be just fine. I am not saying that it is not good though. My point is, what comes along with it is a range of emotions that vary from denial, anger, frustration, hope and love. It does not come easy for most of us. But I am not saying that it will be that bad in a very long time. Acceptance is a humbling experience. And I believe that at the end of it all, it is not about how you were treated by ex-boyfriends, friends and strangers. But the amazing gift in US to love and to give in ways that we never imagined we could. We give ourselves a pat on the shoulder. Not everyone is able to give and love that much. Be thankful for the extent that we could give, to be unselfish, to be hurt, to be loved, and most importantly, to FORGIVE purselves.

Go give it a try. Give our all. There’s no guarantee, and that’s a given in this life. Again it is about how much we give. And not what we take.