Breaking the Camel's Back and Ppfffttt!

23 June 2007

10:53 PM

you need something that will break the camel's back.. but sometimes, it's not enough..

when i started going out with this guy i met in g4m, i knew from the start that he's living in with a guy for close to ten years.. he was honest enough to tell me that..he gave me a choice.. and i chose to continue and nurture a relationship with him...

told myself, i can handle this.. but he showed me kindness and love, and what can i do, but love him as well.. yeah.. yeah... sex was great, his company was exciting.. i had butterflies in the stomach weeknights because i'd see him..but i knew this can't be forever.. i just couldn't break up with him and i know i should have.. i wanted to hate him, but couldn't.. he was THE ONE, except that..

being a kabit is not at all easy, that's moot and academic.. loving him, i realised, wasn't about choices because i have turned deaf and mute to my being.. loving him was a DECISION..

we mutually agreed to end our relationship almost 3 weeks ago... i cried an oceanful... thought love will always find a way.. but a big slap on my face... it's not happening..

i'm single now.. and truly i learned so much from that experience.. through the darkest nights, in my solitary, i think of him, cry myself to sleep, shut the world out.. but i know in many small ways.. not now but perhaps tomorrow or in years, i'd find my way back into love..

but what keeps me holding on is SELF RESPECT...

"deliver me out of my sadness, deliver me from all of the madness, deliver me courage and guide me, deliver me strength from inside me, all of my life i've wish to find someone like you... but it just couldn't..."