Love Smorgasbord

May 19, 2008

Certainly, things do happen and don't happen for reasons. I'm beginning to question my capacity to be in a relationship. For this year (in less than five months alone),

i almost reconciled with an ex boyfriend Jay in January, and i realised that there's nothing good that my relationship with him will bring.. why? because i'm the third party, the 'kabit', the 'wrecker' of what Jay calls a 'wrecked and wretched' union... i deserved better than that, and i quit.

after months of Carl's pursuit, i finally said Yes to him in February... we were twosome coosome, i was willing to finally give the relationship a shot, it was legitimate, our friends knew of our union, we were constantly together, unmindful of the world around us.. around gateway, within starbucks... we were carefree... and then the love poison hit me again! i said to him, it was better for us to forget each other....

a couple of days after my break up with Carl, his officemate Bryan2, in the guise of being a 'friend' with a shoulder for me to cry on, grabbed my face and tried to kiss me.. and i asked him what was that all about. And he said, that was what he has been feeling towards me all this time.... Bryan2 was too fast for me to handle... he wanted sex asap, like probably he would asked for his food in a restaurant.. i felt belittled..

and then Bryan1 came along, i admit, i did hurt him terribly... up until now he knows that i still am sorry for raising his expectation that we would end up together as couple... he was sincere.. i felt how much he loved me... i felt how pained he was when i said NO.. our friends got involved in the mess that i created... his 'tropa' was manhunting me...they were freakingly mad at me for hurting Bryan1... i did not know it until after the incident, that Bryan1 was rushed to the hospital because he had severe asthma attack triggered by my selfish act... but all's well that ends well... Bryan1 and I are such good friends na.. he has moved on and he has found someone that can give him the love and affection i couldn't give.... i have high respects for him and Carlo... i genuinely wish them lifelong love and togetherness....

A friend Jam, arranged a meet up between me and his good friend Mark. We liked each other. But there were so many unsaid things between us. I wanted to know what he was thinking, what he was going through... but he was holding back... weird it was, we couldn't get ourselves to say what we wanted to say to each other... and then pffft! He was gone. Mark disappeared. I was hurt. I was expecting. I was hoping. I was loving him.

It all gets better in time as they say.. but i couldn't wait a bit longer for pain to go away... And to help me heal, Marvin, my co-triathlete was pursuing me and another mistake, i said Yes to Marvin. He was all that is good and beautiful. The most high profile boyfriend yet. He brought me to fancy places. With him my love came with a price tag. On a lazy weekend in BGC, snapped from nowhere, he gifted me a Philip Stein watch. This is just one of the affluent ways Marvin made sure I'd find joy in. He was too perfect for me. Too scary. He introduced me to his whole family at Tierra Pura. He was exultant. He kept on saying, that each day i never fail to sweep his feet away. But you can never teach a heart to love another, when that heart is bleeding for a lovelost with some other. I broke up with Marvin. Returned all the good stuff he bought for me, and made sure these were all boxed and properly sent. Marvin was devastated. He didn't work for the whole week. I packed my bags and went home to Davao for the weekend to clear my thoughts. He followed in Davao the following day. We had another one of those long talks that end futile. I was steadfast that we cannot be together anymore. He was humbling. He was trying and doing all he could muster to win me back... Up until now, he hasn't changed.

Meanwhile, i was reconnecting with Mark. After a month of incommunicado, we bumped onto each other in a 'bar' in Manila. I had a chance to tell him how hurt i was. Again he wasn't talking much. He has always been like that. And i am never a seer. I turned my back. Walked away from him. And never looked back. I got a message from him right after that incident. He apologised for the wrongdoing and for the hurt he caused me. I was trying to be pragmatic about it. And warned him to be careful of what he would tell me. He took a step back. I guess he was thinking. And he said he regretted that he let me pass him by. He was sorry for throwing my love away. But it is so difficult to pretend that i don't want him again. He's back. We're not rushing things. We're taking it again, one step at a time. I don't know yet. I'm fearful that he would hurt me again. I'm torn between staying single muna and giving Mark another chance.

Some of the guys i mentioned above have online accounts. And i know they'd probably read this. What's my purpose? I never had the chance to say what i wanted to say to them. It was totally a rollercoaster ride. For me. For him. For them. But i never regretted having gone through those moments with them. They may have regretted knowing me, i do not know that. But then again, things happen and don't happen for reasons.

Francis